Finding Comfort and Passions

Hello!

I'm still trying to find my footing not only in my expression online, but also in my creative space in general. For as long as I can remember, I have always been so consumed in perfection that I often find myself giving up before I make any significant progress in any project I pursue. I feel as if I am always stuck in the middle of every project I start. I want to be someone who gets things done and is proud to do so. The way completing a project makes me feel is unmatched to anything else, yet my fear of failure is so strong that it's so rare I can push myself to even start. I have so many ideas I want to pursue, but I lack the discipline to finish and I beat myself over it. 

I've seen slow growth in some of my hobbies. Especially in the way I play with make up and the way I write fiction. I have to focus in on something or else I will feel antsy and move onto the next thing. Writing in my journal helps too, but I spend hours of the day writing about things that I want to improve on and fix. It really helps, yet I still feel like I'm not doing enough. Even at an impressive 8k-10k words a day, I still feel like I'm never doing enough because it's just me rambling about my feelings. Even when I gain the confidence to post on social media; I feel a quick rush of pride, then I find myself ashamed and embarrassed over all I create on those site. I guess in a way, I just want to feel proud of the things I create and finish projects that have been siting in my mind. Perfect or not. I want to prioritize finishing things and being proud of the things I create.

With this in mind, here are my current pursuits:

• Work on my personal website to reflect my personality. I still need to grow comfortable with coding, but I have been playing around with templates I've been finding online and been seeing nice results from it. I want to add more art and interactivity though. I have a decent grip on html, but I would like to grow more familiar with css and java script.
• I want to get better about finishing my story games because it feels so good when I do. Maybe pushing myself to play a single story game for an hour a day and writing journal entries on it. I feel that when I write about the games I play, I seem to enjoy them a lot more. Writing in my journal also allows me to remember where I'm at and how to play more than I would have other wise. I love using my journals as a way to process and reflect on everything I consume, so I am hoping this makes gaming and finishing games much more enjoyable.  
• I also want to get better about finishing my books as well. I like the system I have currently: writing my feelings as I go. This means I do have to buy physical books, but annotation allows me to remember the story and it's also just a really cute way to keep my diary. I've been loving this system a lot and might discuss the books I read in blog posts as well. Maybe I need that extra push to finish some books. Not sure how much accountability blogging will bring me in my reading, but it helps a ton in gaming.
• I've been enjoying cooking as of late and to save money, my boyfriend and I have been cutting out meat from our diets in our home cooking. Not only has this been good for our savings, but also our health as we are introducing more beans and veggies into each of our meals. I want to continue to make super yummy plant based food and see what creations I can make with a little effort and creativity. 
• I want to write more fiction. I want to grow more comfortable in this type of writing because I find fiction, both in reading and writing, is the best way to explore opinions and the human emotions in all it's complexities. I have a story I have been sitting on and tapping into on the occasion, but I want to commit completely to the story. I want to finish the first draft. I'm aiming for at least 50,000, but as a pantser, I will just have to see how long the story wants to be. I would also like to dabble a bit in poetry. I got a book on how to write it so I'll try it out.
• I also want to share more art and explore more projects. I draw a lot in my journals for myself, but I think I could make these blog post so cute with a little art. Even my website is BEGGING to be decorated with my art. I feel like exploring different mediums would be nice as well. I'm thinking of diving more into jewelry making and even dabbling in sewing. I also miss doing nail art SO MUCH. I would really love to just follow all my passions and enjoy myself in creating things that bring me joy.
• I want to find work that pays well and allows me to be my authentic self without scrutiny. I've worked too many jobs where my employers have bullied me for the most minuscule things and I want to invite a more healthy work life, whatever that may entail. 
• I want to take more photos of things that inspire me and learn how to capture the way things make me feel in my photos. I think with the right take, you can really express what you feel in a photo and that's exactly what I want to do.

This is all that I currently want to focus on right now. I still want to work a few bits out and figure out my goals for this upcoming month, but I am so excited regardless. I feel that prioritizing joy and comfort should be my top priority. I think I will follow up with an update soon. I enjoy blogging and would love to make it a regular thing.

Here's to trying my best and prioritizing completion and peace of mind!